mp3s

so my computer is a bitch and it wont let me download music with limewire. I just look at the icon longingly. Damn tease. Thank goodness for youremp3.net

music is my porn.

No wonder its my favorite movie

Fight club

yeah make judgments now...

lets move on now shall we.

I'm really nervous. Tuesday i'm going to take my state board again and I cant help but be extremely scared on the what ifs. what if I dont pass again. but lets not think of that again...
I was looking online and found some pictures that made me a bit sad. Lately I seem to be feeling really old. I mean I know 20 is like nothing but my current place in life has me surrounded by kids that talk about how they're getting into music that i was listening to about 7 or 8 years ago. that and i feel like my life is winding down and i've never really lived it. All of my friends have lives. Some work some are married and with kids. way to much reality for me right now. everyone is so damn grown up. Now lets go back to me. My clock is winding down to an unknown for me. by this time next year I'll have been several months into a new life that i'm not even sure I want. Not just another time zone but another fucking country, language and economic system. And I'm left here, utterly unexperienced pretending everything is okay and trying to make everyone happy. I just realized that ive never really gotten to make a desicion for my self. I mean even down to the hair. The first time I dyed it I wanted all blue. Mother said no and ended up giving me blue streaks. And now several years later i end up with a red streak that I never wanted and im not even sure i like it.
now back to the title. Sometimes I wish I had a Tyler. I sure as hell am a Jack.

I love that movie because the main character (psychotic as it is) escapes the daily monotony to become something much more. Okay maybe not so much the terrorist view but still. I wish i had somewhere or something i could use to take out all my aggression.
maybe I should take kickboxing...
I wonder if I'll ever find someone as fucked up as I am. My Carla. And if I do... It might not be pretty.

I wonder why i try

I hate the holidays. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. I have to make nice with people that dont even like me. That i dont even like to begin with. So I'm adult now (for about over 2 years now but aperantly I just realized this) and this means that i have resposibilities, a job and not to mention a christmas list that only seems to be getting longer by the minute. I wonder why i feel this way. I need to get everyone an apropriate gift even though it wont be apreciated by the recievers and i'll probably be yelled at later in the week by said people. Fuck it seems like it doesnt really matter anymore. But so far the list goes like this:

My mom (something good cause she's extra sensitive because of the bun in the oven)
My dad (probably something techie)
My 16 year old brother (He hates me so that's gonna be fun)
My cousins (cause i feel bad)
My Friend
My best friend (has to be something good)
I think I should get started no?
Fuck.

for those who cant hear

Take me down, 6 underground,
The ground beneath your feet,
Laid out low, nothing to go
Nowhere a way to meet
I've got a head full of drought,
Down here, so faroff losing out
Round here,
Overground, watch this space,
I'm open to falling from grace
Calm me down, bring it round
Too way high off your street
I can see like nothing else
In me you're better than I wannabe
Don't think 'cos I understand,
I care, don't think 'cos I'm talking we're friends,
Overground, watch this space,
I'm open to falling from grace
Talk me down, safe and sound
Too strung up to sleep
Wear me out, scream and shout
Swear my time's never cheap
I fake my life like I've lived
Too much, I take whatever you're given
Not enough,
Overground, watch this space,
I'm open
I fake my life like I've lived
Too much, I take whatever you're given
Not enough,
Overground, watch this space,
I'm open to falling from grace

its by the sneaker pimps
I know its cliche but it describes me to a T
Depressive yet sweet melancholy.

I had forgotten about this place

lets start over ok.
My name is Claudia.
I'm 20 years old
and i'm determined to do something with my life.

I hate family gatherings

Feeling: depressed
Listening to: nothing
Wearing: Jeans, blue tank, my pirate belt.

No matter how self-confident I feel, how self asured, how doesn't give a fuck-punk rock bitch I feel, family gatherings always find a way of knocking me down. and not just low, beyond low, buried deep withing the ground. I try to be myself, be the girl that goes moshing every other weekend. The girl that with broken, bloody nails, a banged up knee and a twisted ankle still went in to mosh because "the mood was just right" but instead I always get transformed into that insecure little 6 yearold that everyone loves to hate.

Its a no win situation. I don't like hanging out with the "adults" because well they're boreing. and I dont fit in with the "kids" because well I'm not cool enough.

I hate it. Yesterday all I got was a "hi"and maybe a damn handshake. My mom got hugs all around, my dad a couple of beers and my brother a really great welcome.

We were at the table and all I could hear was:

"wow Julio you're tall."

"OMG Julio you're so cool"

bla bla bla.

No one even cared what the fuck was going on with me. I could have been choking on my food, and on fire and all they would have done was stare at me for making so much noise.

Then my cousin asked my brother if he skateboarded, surfed, or anything.

he said no.

I wanted to yell out "I skateboard, I play guitar, I do art, I love body modification, I go to shows every other weekend. I exsist Damn it!"

But all that came out was "could you please pass the salt?"

I hate myself so much sometimes.

Sometimes I have this fantasy where I'll be discovered for one of my (non exsistant) tallents and be all famous and stuff. Then everyone would be like.

OMG Claudia I didn't know you [blank]!

And I'd be like: Well you never asked.

but sadly thats just a damn fantasy. I'll always be the annoying little kid that would want to tag along with them. They'll never know the real me.

So I survived

Feeling: tired
Listening to: The distillers- young girl
Wearing: PJs.

Yep and i'm pretty sure I passed all my classes. hey and I didn't even have to cheat. Bad thing is I'm starting the other school probably on tuesday. FUCK.

Yeah my little brother graduated today. he's like officially gonna be a highschool kid.

I pierced my upper ear. Didn't hurt as much as I expected.

on a related note:

Lip's next.

I'm beyond tired

Feeling: tired- (um yeah)
Listening to: nada
Wearing: Jeans, black halter, jacket.

So finals suck beyond belief. Just got done with one that took me like an hour even though they told me to be here at 7 am but most of the people didn't show up till 8. damn you people.

Well I just wanted to say never procratinate because it took me about 4-5 hours to finish my math homework yesterday.

I went to sleep at 12 am and woke up at 4am this morning.

Now I have to go fail my math final. fun.

oh well. meh.

one more day and i'm free. the only thing is I dont want to tell my dad that I'm not coming back to this school cause he doesnt want me to leave.
Fuck what am I gonna do?

on another note:
here's a MCR interview.